Today we learn that no one who is against gay people or, possibly, for racism makes a lick of sense.

Guy #1: He was down here talking about how gay people shouldn’t be allowed to adopt a baby and then he started to say he didn’t think black people and white people should have babies together.
Guy #2: Well, maybe that would confuse the kid.
Guy #1: What? Black and white people?
Guy #2: Naw, gay people.
Guy #1: Yeah, it probably would but at least someone would like havin’ the kid around.
Guy #2: I just don’t know about that kinda thing, I just think it’s wrong.
Guy #1: I do too, but still at least the kid would have someone to look after them. I don’t think it’s right and I don’t even like that the gay guys I know are puffin’ peters but if I died I’d give ‘em my kid before he went to a home.
Guy #2: I dunno about that, wrong is wrong.
Guy #1: Well that’s what he said about black and white people, you sound just like Ned.
Guy #2: Naw, I don’t care if black and white people fuck.
Guy #1: Well he said ‘you don’t see a squirrel fuckin’ a rabbit or a monkey fuckin’ a dog so why is that right?’
Guy #2: That don’t make no sense, they ain’t people.
Guy #1: That’s what I said, blacks and whites is people, but monkeys and rabbits and shit aren’t the same.
Guy #2: Was he talkin’ about gays then?
Guy #1: I dunno, gays are people.
Guy #2 (laughs incredulously)
Guy #1: I don’t know what he was talking about, but it sounded shitty to me.
Guy #3: Well why don’t you see a squirrel fuckin’ a rabbit? If I was a horny squirrel out there in the woods I’d be nailin’ all the rabbit pussy I could!
Guy #2: Cause animals ain’t got the spirit of evilness in them.
Guy #3: Well they better not bring me back as no horny ass squirrel or you’re gonna see a bunch of squabbits runnin’ around everywhere because I don’t care what color it is long as there’s pussy involved!

Then guy #3 laughs, gets up and leaves the room.

Mechanic: He told me how to fuck a chicken yesterday!
Me: What?
Mechanic: That guy that’s having the baby, he told me how, he said the hard part ain’t fucking the chicken, the hard part is catching it!
Me: Then what?
Mechanic: Then you pick it up by each leg, spread em and go down and *blows puff of air and then stares at me*
Me: Why do you do that?
Mechanic: Get the feathers out the way so you can get in there and SCRAMBLE SOME EGGS!!!
Then he just laughed and laughed and left the room.

Today we learn the true spirit of Thanksgiving.
Guy #1: I gotta go down to Versailles for Thanksgiving, I goddamn hate that place, ain’t nothin’ open and the food is always terrible I just end up at whities afterward.
Guy #2: That sucks man, I get to have the best one, me and my ol’ lady is goin’ to see a cover band and she said we could get shitfaced and I could get at ‘er everyway I want to!
Guy #1: Goddamn, you gotta say thanks for a woman like that!
Guy #3 enters excitedly waving papers.
Guy #3: I am goddamn thankful for my woman, we’re havin’ a boy! I just fuckin’ found out!
Guy #3 starts showing the pictures around.
Guy #1: Hell yeah, man, that’s badass! Congratulations!
Guy #3: Thanks, man! You know, I went in there and soon as it came up on the screen I saw it and I was like ‘that’s a cock right there’ and I said ‘that’s a boy!!’ and the lady told me it was!
Guy#2: That’s great, that it right there?
Guy #1: Hahaha, you would be the one lookin’ fer a little boy’s dick.
Everyone laughs
Guy #3: I tell ya, I shoulda knowed it was mine since the first view I got of him was him pressin’ a ham and showin’ off his balls and shit! Well I gotta get outta here, we’re gettin’ off to Michigan fer Thanksgivin’, can’t wait to show these off, have a beer and get some stuffing!
Guy #1: Have some stuffin’ fer me, man!
Guy #3: Naw, man, I meant some (starts humping the air) stuffing! Ya know, before she gets too big and I just roll off her like a drunk dog!
Everyone starts laughing.

Happy Thanksgiving, one and all, from the worst place to work.

Today I learn how to make the most of even the most impossible segue.
Guy #1: I thought the Bengals were gonna be all over us the whole game last night.
Guy #2: Yeah, that Mike Wallace couldn’t catch a ball for shit last night.
Guy #3: Mike Wallace? The guy from 60 Minutes?
Guy #1: Naw, dumbass, the receiver for the Steelers, Mike Wallace been dead for years he ain’t catchin’ shit!
Guy #2 (pulling out his cell phone): I’ll tell you who can catch balls for 60 minutes, my new girlfriend!
Guy #1: Shit, you ain’t got 60 minutes in you!
Guy #2: Especially with this, look (shows a picture). She’s 50 but she don’t look a day over 38 and let me tell you somethin’ about her, she looooooves to fuck!
Guy #1: Man, yer lucky, my ol’ lady never wants to fuck, makes me think I should trade it in on a new model!
Guy #3: I’d fuckin’ trade for any model at this point, ever since that chick of mine got knocked up she don’t wanna fuck for shit and I tried bribin’ her, sayin’ I’d eat it, but she don’t even wanna open up the buffet!
Guy #1: I tell you what, you wait til that third trimester, she’s gonna be so horny she’ll fuck your brains out! I call it ridin’ the hump, like a camel hump, ya know? Just grab on and roll around! (then he puts his arms out like he is holding and exercise ball and starts doing hulahoop type motions and keeps doing it for a long while after he is done talking.)

Everyone likes to fuck is the moral of this one.

Guy #1: Why you breathin’ so heavy? You gotta work out more!
Guy #2: I been tryin’ to, I got some weights and one of them elipsical, eplisipal…
Me: Eliptical?
Guy #2: Yeah, one of them skywalkin’ machines.
Guy #1: You sound like you need it! Why you workin’ out so much anyway?
Guy #2: So I can fuck longer.
Guy #1: So you can fuck longer?
Guy #2: Yeah man, I can hold my own for like 3 hours or so but then I get tired.
Guy #3: Who wants to fuck fer 3 hours? I’m trying to get my nut and go to sleep!
Guy #1: Hey, man, you ever fell asleep in some pussy?
Me: Not that I can remember!
Guy #2: Shit, that’s the best time, you hit it, fall asleep and hit it again!
Guy #1: Yeah, man, it’s like a penis pillow in there, you go to sleep and so does it all comfy and warm, wakes up like it’s in a water bed!
Guy #2: Hell yeah, man, you gotta love that ol’ jelly squish firt thing in the morning!

Yes, You do have to love that, don’t you?

I walk out of the bathroom and this:

Guy #1: Well, Ya know, I told him, ‘ya gonna start it or are ya just gonna dry hump it all day?’

Guy #2: Well he ain’t gonna start it cause it likes that anything’ll touch his dick.

Guy #1: That’s what I said, but he just kept on crankin’ the sumbitch and it just wouldn’t start, I thought he was gonna start cryin’.

Guy #2: Wouldn’t be surprised, that’s probably why he can’t get laid, somethin’ touches his cock and he just sits and cries when it don’t work.

Guy #1: Heh heh, well he leaves and I go to fix the thing and all it is that it needs new spark plugs, put ‘em in there tighter than your wife’s pussy.

Guy #2: I got four kids, only thing gonna fit tight in my wife’s girl is a fire plug!

Guy #1: Well, good thing my dick’s that big!

Guy #2: Heh heh, maybe if an ant was lookin’ at it. So what happened with the sweeper?

Guy #1: Oh, he came back over and I told him to look and I started it right up, he was real mad.

Guy #2: Well, at least you got it workin’, fuck him.

Guy #1: Shit yeah, sumbitch runs like a raped ape now!

The mechanic walked in and started playing this little sound on his phone of, I’m guessing, Alvin and the Chipmunks where they laugh really fast and he goes “This is probably what it sounds like when you’re fuckin’” and then he plays a soundbite of a baby crying “and this is what it sounds like after you’re done.” And exits the room, laughing.

I’m not sure if he meant the woman was crying or me, but it was surprisingly accurate.

So, I am sitting around at my desk and the black guy that works in the office, Jay, was down here and he was in the office behind me listening to this song SO FUCKING LOUD over and over that went “White boyfriend like to eat pussy, black boyfriend like to fuuuck”. I went in after laughing til I couldn’t breathe and then:

Me: Hey, what in the world is that song?

Jay: Yeah, man, you like that shit don’t you?

Me: It’s pretty funny but I dunno about genuinely liking it.

Jay: My wife recorded that shit, it’s about me.

Me: Your wife did that? It sounds pretty good, how is it about you though?

Jay: Because I’m mixed and I’ll do it all and she loooves it!!!

I am sitting at my desk minding my own business listening through the door when I hear:

Guy #1: Yeah right, ain’t no lady lookin’ around for that little pecker.

Guy #2: Shit, that ain’t what your old lady says, ain’t what your daughter said neither.

Guy #1: I can’t deny that, they’ll take what they can get.

Guy #2: Girls lookin’ at me like DAMN, look at all that wood he’s sportin’. They should call me lumber liquidators I got so much lumber, can’t even give the shit away.

Guy #3: Probably cause everytime they see it they laugh.

Guy #2: They ain’t laughin’ long, I be fuckin’ em *starts grunting over and over*

Guy #1: I tell ya, they laugh and I’ll stop *grunting from Guy #2 continues*. I tell ‘em every time that you laugh and I’ll stop.

Guy #2: *Still grunting like he’s furiously having sex*

Guy #3: If they laugh at me I just beat ‘em in the face with my dick!

Guy #2: *Stops grunting* Shit, beat ‘em? I bet I could hang ‘em with mine. BIG DICK!

Then Guy #2 just leaves.

I was coming out of the bathroom and then.

Guy #1: Ya know what, pussy really ain’t that good.

Guy #2: What?

Guy #1: You just think about it, it ain’t really that cool.

Guy #2: I dunno what the fuck you’re sayin’.

Guy #1: Think about it, it’s fuckin’ nasty and it smells weird and you do all this shit and what good does it do once you get it? Might as well just shove dollars in there and hope she throws up quarters.

Guy #2: Yeah, a bitch is a bitch for a reason, but I’ll take your old lady and you can go stick it up some guy’s pooper.

Guy #1: Naw, that’s gross, man, I ain’t sayin’ I wanna fuck a guy, I’m just saying pussy is weird and ain’t that great.

Guy #2: Better than wearin’ a thong and forgettin’ how to shit.