Today we learn the true spirit of Thanksgiving.
Guy #1: I gotta go down to Versailles for Thanksgiving, I goddamn hate that place, ain’t nothin’ open and the food is always terrible I just end up at whities afterward.
Guy #2: That sucks man, I get to have the best one, me and my ol’ lady is goin’ to see a cover band and she said we could get shitfaced and I could get at ‘er everyway I want to!
Guy #1: Goddamn, you gotta say thanks for a woman like that!
Guy #3 enters excitedly waving papers.
Guy #3: I am goddamn thankful for my woman, we’re havin’ a boy! I just fuckin’ found out!
Guy #3 starts showing the pictures around.
Guy #1: Hell yeah, man, that’s badass! Congratulations!
Guy #3: Thanks, man! You know, I went in there and soon as it came up on the screen I saw it and I was like ‘that’s a cock right there’ and I said ‘that’s a boy!!’ and the lady told me it was!
Guy#2: That’s great, that it right there?
Guy #1: Hahaha, you would be the one lookin’ fer a little boy’s dick.
Everyone laughs
Guy #3: I tell ya, I shoulda knowed it was mine since the first view I got of him was him pressin’ a ham and showin’ off his balls and shit! Well I gotta get outta here, we’re gettin’ off to Michigan fer Thanksgivin’, can’t wait to show these off, have a beer and get some stuffing!
Guy #1: Have some stuffin’ fer me, man!
Guy #3: Naw, man, I meant some (starts humping the air) stuffing! Ya know, before she gets too big and I just roll off her like a drunk dog!
Everyone starts laughing.

Happy Thanksgiving, one and all, from the worst place to work.

Everyone likes to fuck is the moral of this one.

Guy #1: Why you breathin’ so heavy? You gotta work out more!
Guy #2: I been tryin’ to, I got some weights and one of them elipsical, eplisipal…
Me: Eliptical?
Guy #2: Yeah, one of them skywalkin’ machines.
Guy #1: You sound like you need it! Why you workin’ out so much anyway?
Guy #2: So I can fuck longer.
Guy #1: So you can fuck longer?
Guy #2: Yeah man, I can hold my own for like 3 hours or so but then I get tired.
Guy #3: Who wants to fuck fer 3 hours? I’m trying to get my nut and go to sleep!
Guy #1: Hey, man, you ever fell asleep in some pussy?
Me: Not that I can remember!
Guy #2: Shit, that’s the best time, you hit it, fall asleep and hit it again!
Guy #1: Yeah, man, it’s like a penis pillow in there, you go to sleep and so does it all comfy and warm, wakes up like it’s in a water bed!
Guy #2: Hell yeah, man, you gotta love that ol’ jelly squish firt thing in the morning!

Yes, You do have to love that, don’t you?

Guy #1: Look, I’d pay you a dollar a day to by my friend and wipe my ass for me.
Guy #2: I ain’t gonna do that for no dollar
Guy #1: Alright, I’ll pay you up to 14 bucks a day if you could get this thing to come out my asshole.
Guy #2: That ain’t worth it, I need a percentage of your check.
Guy #1: Well I got a fucking calculator at home and I get a paystub tomorrow so I’ll figure out what I can do, it ain’t trigonometry.
Guy #2: Alright then, anywhere above 5% and I’ll spray wash the motherfucker too.
Guy #1: You got a deal, now shut the fuck up, I got a science experiment going on over here (grunts loudly and yells) COME ON OUT YOU MOTHERFUCKING MUNCHKIN!

The people in the break room are saying that there is no such thing as man made global warming because the lord says so! Also you could take all the pollution from the industrial revolution til today and double it and nothing would happen! Also the only way that the Earth could warm through greenhouse gas is from a volcano! So there you have it, SCIENTIFIC PROOF FROM THE FINEST THINKING MINDS OF OUR TIME!

The mechanic walked in and started playing this little sound on his phone of, I’m guessing, Alvin and the Chipmunks where they laugh really fast and he goes “This is probably what it sounds like when you’re fuckin’” and then he plays a soundbite of a baby crying “and this is what it sounds like after you’re done.” And exits the room, laughing.

I’m not sure if he meant the woman was crying or me, but it was surprisingly accurate.

I am sitting at my desk minding my own business listening through the door when I hear:

Guy #1: Yeah right, ain’t no lady lookin’ around for that little pecker.

Guy #2: Shit, that ain’t what your old lady says, ain’t what your daughter said neither.

Guy #1: I can’t deny that, they’ll take what they can get.

Guy #2: Girls lookin’ at me like DAMN, look at all that wood he’s sportin’. They should call me lumber liquidators I got so much lumber, can’t even give the shit away.

Guy #3: Probably cause everytime they see it they laugh.

Guy #2: They ain’t laughin’ long, I be fuckin’ em *starts grunting over and over*

Guy #1: I tell ya, they laugh and I’ll stop *grunting from Guy #2 continues*. I tell ‘em every time that you laugh and I’ll stop.

Guy #2: *Still grunting like he’s furiously having sex*

Guy #3: If they laugh at me I just beat ‘em in the face with my dick!

Guy #2: *Stops grunting* Shit, beat ‘em? I bet I could hang ‘em with mine. BIG DICK!

Then Guy #2 just leaves.

I walk in to get a spoon and some condiments for my lunch when:

Guy #1 (singing in a country and western type of way): Well I ain’t gonna listen to no black president, gonna make my own flag and stick to it…

Guy #2: What’s that?

Guy #1: Song I’m writin’ for my band (a band I simply must see - Editor)

Guy #2: Sounds kinda good, something like I’ve been thinkin’ recently.

Guy #1: Yup, I’m just sick of all this shit going on, bout time we took this shit back the only way real American’s know how!

Guy #2: The guy across the street from me has a big farm and he put up a 10 foot high fence with all kind of electrical surveillance equipment on it and shit, said it was like 2 million bucks after the SWAT team came.

Guy #1: The SWAT team?

Guy #2: Yeah, it was stupid, he had all kind of weapons in there to defend hisself and his family and they come and bust up the fence and take his guns and everything, bullshit if you ask me.

Guy #1: Yeah, I’m always worried about kinda shit happenin’ to me, thought I should put some landmines out in the yard but with my luck my dog probably would dig ‘em up.

Guy #2: Heh heh, yep, I would probably put ‘em out and forget where they was and step on one of them, blow my dick off!

Guy #1: Be kinda funny though if the government tried to come and then they were just steppin’ on them things left and right.

Guy #2: Yeah, I’d just sit on the porch and drink me a beer and have myself a good ol’ laugh.

I was getting water, some guy was pulling a fucking pouch out of the microwave and opening it and then eating out of it with a spoon, which… that’s gross enough, but it also smelled like extreme BO. The couple guys were in the middle of a conversation.

Guy #1: Of course I fuckin’ knocked her down.

Guy #2: Ain’t she in the triple digits?

Guy #1: Yep, she’s 102 but I don’t give a fuck!

Guy #2: Well what’s a 102-year-old gonna do to you though?

Guy #1: She fuckin’ scratched my face and called my wife a bitch and tried to throw them bacon beans at her. I don’t give a good shit how old she is, she shouldn’t have been drinkin’ whiskey and causin’ problems, she knows how things get handled, the ol’ bitch been around the block enough!

Guy #3: Yeah, but you should respect your elders, that just ain’t a right thing to do.

Guy #1: You don’t tell me in the same situation you wouldn’t do it too, she was bein’ stupid and sometimes that’s the only way to deal with stupid.

Guy #2: Well, they take her to the hospital? Seems like she would have to go.

Guy #1: Yeah, but they said she’ll be fine, we was on the grass, she wasn’t gonna get hurt too bad anyway, plus it had been rainin’ it isn’t like I was tryin’ to injure her, just scare her and show her who’s boss! Just cause she’s related to me don’t mean I should treat her any different.

Guy #3: Well, you better watch out, cause you know what it says in the bible.

Guy #1: DON’T YOU FUCKIN’ TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE, I’VE READ THE BIBLE MORE TIMES OVER THAN YOU’VE JACKED OFF!

Guy #3: Yeah, well, what goes around comes around is all I’m sayin’.

Guy #1: Yeah, but they also got them verses about forgiveness but I can’t remember none of them right now.

Guy #3: Well, I guess you ain’t read the bible that many times then if you can’t remember ‘em.

Guy #1: I could if you guys wasn’t sittin’ there tryin’ to piss me off!

On the way back from lunch a metal funnel flew out of the work pick-up truck and was smashed by a semi behind us, the mechanic said, “Shit, man, that thing’s flatter than Asian titties and half as tight, know what I mean?”

No, no I do not.

August 20th, 2010 - 4:10pm

The mechanic came in, doubled over in laughter, because he found a rock formation in a spelunking magazine that looked like a dick.