Mechanic: He told me how to fuck a chicken yesterday!
Me: What?
Mechanic: That guy that’s having the baby, he told me how, he said the hard part ain’t fucking the chicken, the hard part is catching it!
Me: Then what?
Mechanic: Then you pick it up by each leg, spread em and go down and *blows puff of air and then stares at me*
Me: Why do you do that?
Mechanic: Get the feathers out the way so you can get in there and SCRAMBLE SOME EGGS!!!
Then he just laughed and laughed and left the room.

Today we learn the true spirit of Thanksgiving.
Guy #1: I gotta go down to Versailles for Thanksgiving, I goddamn hate that place, ain’t nothin’ open and the food is always terrible I just end up at whities afterward.
Guy #2: That sucks man, I get to have the best one, me and my ol’ lady is goin’ to see a cover band and she said we could get shitfaced and I could get at ‘er everyway I want to!
Guy #1: Goddamn, you gotta say thanks for a woman like that!
Guy #3 enters excitedly waving papers.
Guy #3: I am goddamn thankful for my woman, we’re havin’ a boy! I just fuckin’ found out!
Guy #3 starts showing the pictures around.
Guy #1: Hell yeah, man, that’s badass! Congratulations!
Guy #3: Thanks, man! You know, I went in there and soon as it came up on the screen I saw it and I was like ‘that’s a cock right there’ and I said ‘that’s a boy!!’ and the lady told me it was!
Guy#2: That’s great, that it right there?
Guy #1: Hahaha, you would be the one lookin’ fer a little boy’s dick.
Everyone laughs
Guy #3: I tell ya, I shoulda knowed it was mine since the first view I got of him was him pressin’ a ham and showin’ off his balls and shit! Well I gotta get outta here, we’re gettin’ off to Michigan fer Thanksgivin’, can’t wait to show these off, have a beer and get some stuffing!
Guy #1: Have some stuffin’ fer me, man!
Guy #3: Naw, man, I meant some (starts humping the air) stuffing! Ya know, before she gets too big and I just roll off her like a drunk dog!
Everyone starts laughing.

Happy Thanksgiving, one and all, from the worst place to work.

Today we learn that things aren’t racist as long as you say they aren’t.
Guy #1: I will tell you that it is bullshit. First Obama says he’s FOR the working man and now Hostess shuts down?
Guy #2: No more fucking twinkies cause of that piece of shit.
Guy #1: It’s cause of all you motherfuckers in here that this happened, this is bullshit. Hey, who’d you vote for?
Guy #3 (who happens to be Asian): I voted for Obama, it ain’t his fault that this happened, he don’t control twinkies.
Guy #1: Yeah yeah, he coulda stopped it if he wanted to, now 18,000 people ain’t gonna be bakin’ and shit, they’ll probably be comin’ for us next.
Guy #4 (who happens to be black): Ain’t nobody comin’ for us, shit, it’d probably be good though, get rid of some of this dead weight and constant complaining.
Guy #2: Yeah yeah, keep talking, you’re the reason this happened anyway. But I ain’t gonna ask you who you voted for!
Guy #3: Who’d you vote for?
Guy #4: Obama.
Guy #2: SEE, that’s the problem, I can’t do that shit, I can’t ask you, but if one of them asks you it’s okay, if I asked it would be racist.
Guy #4: One of them? Another person? What the fuck are you talking about?
Guy #2: I’m just sayin’, you can’t do nothing, you can’t have any kind of talk about nothin’ without being told you’re a racist.
Guy #4: I never said you was racist, but calling someone “one of them” is fucked up.
Guy #2: Now I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant people who wasn’t white can ask people who isn’t white stuff that I can’t.
Guy #4: You can ask me anything you want.
Guy #2: Well did you vote for him cause he looks like you?
Guy #4: What the fuck? Now you just being ignorant and racist.
Guy #2: Naw, I don’t mean it like that, I’m just sayin’ I heard a lot of people did that, that’s why he won!
Guy #4: No, I voted for him cause I thought he was the right person for the job and I don’t think anyone I know from my neighborhood voted for him cause he looks like us.
Guy #2: See, now you’re making me look bad! I don’t have nothing against black people, hell I’d have one over for dinner if I knew any. I’d let you in my house, you’re a good guy!
Guy #4 (starts laughing): This motherfucker over here probably serve me fried chicken or some shit.

Everyone starts laughing and Guy #2 gets embarrassed and leaves the room.

Today we learn about the role of the stripper in political discourse (will be the name of my first book) (the picture that is referred to in this post is after the jump at the bottom of the story.)

Guy #1: I like to go to this place called Hiphuggers in Cocomo, Indiana, they got lots of Orientals down there, I love me an Oriental girl!
Guy #2: I went there once, I hate that fuckin’ place.
Guy #1: Why, man? They got all kinds of girls down there, it’s awesome!
Guy #2: Naw, I went in that back room with this one stripper, I gave her 25 bucks then she asked if I liked that dance and I told her yeah and she said I owe her another 80 bucks, I said what fer? She said that on the announcemnt that if ya pay 25 and like the dance you gotta pay 80 for 8 more dances, I told her If I’da knowed the meter was runnin’ I wouldn’ta come back here! So then she just leaves and I go back to the front then she tells them dudes to make me leave! I thought she liked me too, buncha bullshit.
Guy #3: Should’ve given her 100 bucks for her acting to make you think anyone likes your old hillbilly ass!
(Everyone laughs)
Guy #2: Aw shut the fuck up, Osama lover.
Guy #3: You still sore about the election?
Guy #2: Yeah, cause everything is already more expensive and we’re gonna have all kinds of problems comin’ up.
Guy #3: Naw, you just made because Obama done this to your boys.
(guy #3 picks up his phone and starts walking around the room showing everyone, including me, a picture of a crude painting of Obama smiling with his pants down shooting a giant load on Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney, everyone laughs or goes ew [I laughed til I was almost in tears])
Guy #2: Aw man, that’s fuckin’ nasty, you would wanna see Obama doing that shit.
Guy #3: Nope, I think you do, you the one always talkin’ about Obama’s gonna bend you over and get in you. I tell you what, you want a black man to do that to you, you dress up real sexy like them strippers, gimme a couple of beers and I’ll recreate this picture for you, I’ll even give you the 80 bucks for your lapdances!
(Everyone starts laughing super loud)

The picture is after the read more jump. NSFW NSFW NSFW

Read More

Today, friends, America has truly died as a man must fear for his chicken McNuggets.
Guy #1: NOT MY PRESIDENT.
Guy #2: Well, yeah, he is cause he got voted in. I don’t like it neither but… Ya know.
Guy #1: NOT MY PRESIDENT.
Guy #2: I don’t like that shit at all, gonna have no oil, can’t drive my truck anymore, gonna have to run it on sunshine and cow farts or some shit.
Guy #1: Them homos gettin’ fuckin’ married and these assholes can smoke weed, I can’t stand that shit and now I’m gonna have to pay for it cause they get a sore throat from suckin’ cock.
Guy #2: Yep and now they wanna act like almighty God says it’s okay? Nope, it’s bullshit and I don’t wanna pay for no AIDS vaccine and now they gonna probably shut down our trucks cause some deer might cough.
Guy #1: Well I’ll tell ya what, before any of that, you better enjoy your french fries while you can cause they aren’t gonna let us eat anything. (At this point his voice seriously started wavering like he was gonna cry. - Justin) I never thought I’d see the goddamned day when I’d get arrested for going to McDonalds because of a FUCKING MUSLIM.

I juuuuust about laughed in his face, though what I should have done was gone over and put my hand on his shoulder like we were at a funeral and nodded with a frown on my face. Oh, today is so fucking good!

Let the election coverage begin (keep in mind Guy #1 is a black man [also, read to the end, there’s some good stuff])
Guy #1: Romney lost because he wasn’t gonna go to any black neighborhoods and talk!
Guy #2: He went to Philadelphia AND THE BLACK PANTHERS WOULDN’T LET HIM SPEAK!
Guy #1: Then he can go somewhere else, fuck the black panthers! He doesn’t like poor people and that’s it!
Guy #2: NO, BLACK PEOPLE ONLY VOTE FOR BLACK PEOPLE AND THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED HERE!
Guy #1: That makes you sound like an ignorant ass white person.
Guy #2: No I ain’t, I’m tellin’ the truth, it’s racist and it’s because black people don’t wanna vote for a white man.
Guy #1: No, it’s because that white man doesn’t understand how black people live and doesn’t want to because he’s too white.
Guy #2: Now that’s racist.
Guy #1: I’m half white, I can’t be racist, but I will say that you are an ignorant white person.
Guy #2: NO, IGNORANT WHITE PEOPLE WOULDA SAID THAT BLACK PEOPLE SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO VOTE, I’M SAYING THAT BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD LEARN THE ISSUES BEFORE THEY VOTE SO THEY AREN’T IGNORANT!
Guy #1: Yeah, hey, Justin, you hear this? There are no ignorant white people.
Me: That’s what I’ve been hearing.
Guy #1: Obama got the minority vote and that’s all that matters and the Republicans have to change, that’s what they even said on 700WLW!
Guy #2: Yeah, it’s still bullshit, people should be more educated and minorities should vote on things that would help them.
Guy #3: No, you know how NObama won? Them illegal Mexican homos.
Guy #1: What the fuck are you talkin’ about?
Guy #3: They come over across the river and they get in here and since they are gay they just get a fake id and vote for whoever helps with their gay shit, that’s how he won.
Guy #2: I ain’t never heard of that but it doesn’t sound real to me, they are comin’ across the river to vote?
Guy #3: Hell yeah, one gets on the other and blows in the ones mouth and the one on bottom farts and shoots them across the water then the one on top uses the one on bottom’s boner to steer LIKE SOME KINDA QUEER RUDDER!!!

Then they all start laughing hysterically. I will admit that this image made me join in the laughter but then I got the “shut up, faggot” look and left the room.

Today a LADY makes an appearance! Keep in mind she is also a trucker.
Guy #1: That shit looks good, what is it?
Lady #1: It’s hamburger helper skillet baked chicken with mac n cheese on top of it.
Guy #1: That smells pretty good, I’m gonna get me some.
Lady #1: Well, it looks better on the box, comes out sloppy in real life.
Guy #2 (grabbing dick): I’ll tell you what looks good in your sloppy box, my cock!
Lady #1: Shit, you don’t want none of this old ass pussy, my husband don’t even want any!
Guy #2: Honey, at my age if my dick goes up I’ll take what I can get, everything looks good at closing time!

Then they both laughed. People should use these lines on ladies at the grocery store while in the aisle with the hamburger helper.

Today we find out that the world of medical science is full of wonder and so are vaginas.
Guy #1: They had this big thing, looked kinda like Bob Barker’s microphone and they put it in your mouth and there’s a TEEVEE next to your head and you can see your teeth real good up and close, all the cracks and everything, it was crazy!
Guy#2: I dunno if I’d like that shit, I don’t like teeth, they creep me the fuck out.
Guy #3: They find any of Ed’s sperms in there?
Everyone laughs.
Guy #1: Naw, they’d have to look in your daughter’s mouth for that shit.
Guy #3: Or your wife’s pussy.
Guy #1: Probably, I dunno what that bitch is up to most days and even less on weekends. The best part of it though, if they did do that, just like they did with my mouth is that (starts pointing around the room) all of you gonna have to pay for it cause I used my unioncare card.
Guy #3: You tellin’ me just cause you got the urge to suck an electric dick I gotta pay more money? Why didn’t you just use on of yer ol’ lady’s dildos?
Guy #1: They was gone, figured you had ‘em up your asshole.
Guy #4 (entering room, singing to the tune of “Beast of Burden” by the Rolling Stones): I’ll never be your pizza burger. I’ll never beeee your pizza buuuurger.
Guy #1: Pizza burger? Shit, that sounds good. Hey, ain’t that what you call your wife’s pussy?
Guy #2: I dunno, sure smells like Domino’s though.
Guy #4 (laughing): Yup, that’s what I sing into it every night before I go to bed, I love that shit!
Guy #3: Maybe they could use that electronic dick that he was sucking on to look in your wife’s pussy and see what is causin’ all that cheese and sauce.
Guy #4: I don’t even need to know, long as it keeps warm and dips my dough when I need it to!

Everyone laughs and I go back to my desk thinking of pizzaburger pussy and want to throw up blood.

We now return you to your regular programming.
Guy #1: You got HBO?
Guy #2: Naw.
Guy #1: I thought you did have it! You gotta get it, man, you gotta see that Eastbound and Down that shit is hilarious, it’s got some serious titty in it!
Guy #3: Shit yeah, man, I love them shows on there, you get to see all kinds of stuff. I mean, I got the internet but it’s different on there, ya know?
Guy #1: Yup, that’s why I watch that True Blood, vampires is fer queers and high schoolers but them titties will carry you right on through it. I just wish that they’d show some more bush!
Guy #3: Yeah man, they really don’t show enough pussies on the tv or the movies, they should have more that’s what everyone wants to see anyway.
Guy #2: I’ll tell ya, I wish they would, when me and my wife was datin’ before we got married I wouldn’t go see that romantic movie shit, we’d wait til our friends saw it and then I’d ask them about it and I said “I better see at least a titty or we ain’t goin’.”

Today is a sad reminder that they can’t all be funny and that irony is alive and well within the walls of this place.
Guy #1: Well I am mad as shit about him walkin’ around on the dock talkin’ about that Obama.
Guy #2: Why? I don’t think there’s nothin’ wrong with him sayin’ what he thinks.
Guy #1: There ain’t but he was sayin’ he hopes Obama lets them peter puffers marry each other, if that don’t just make you wanna spit then I dunno what would!
Guy #2: Yeah, that is pretty messed up.
Guy #1: And worse yet then he starts sayin’ how they should be married and everyone should have health care and I’m like “Who you think you are, hippie? You ain’t takin’ your healthcare out of MY pocket!”
Guy #2: What’s he say?
Guy #1: He didn’t say a goddamn thing, he didn’t open his mouth cause he probably thought drool would fall out because he was thinkin’ about suckin’ Ed’s cock or somethin’! I don’t give a shit if he did give money when I was in trouble I’d give it right back to him if I had it, he’s immoral and against God and he should hang out with the rest of them AIDS monkeys if he likes it so much!
Guy #2: I just don’t know about him, I didn’t think he believed that kinda stuff.
Guy #1: Yup, he does. Oh well, I just needed to say something to someone. Anyway, I just wanted to tell y’all that my cancer is gone and thank y’all for the money you gave to help with all the bills, you’re my brothers in Christ!

I don’t even have anything to say about it, just THE WORST.