Just what they need at this place, even more guns! They are so gun rich they are raffling them off! GUN GUN GUN.

For those that can’t read it this brilliant work of nonsensical art is a Beetle Bailey comic that they have changed one of the talk bubbles and added an arrow to the right side with the name Gary written next to it. The first panel has Sarge/Gary saying “Okay Beetle, what’s your excuse THIS time?” and the next panel Beetle/everyman says “Cold beer? Takin’ a shit? Hell Na” and Sarge/Gary says “I still don’t believe you.” The person whom rewrote this comic has little grasp of the English language or how to answer a question someone has asked you. Every time I look at this my head starts throbbing because I cannot understand it at all.

Today things get heated when a discussion about headwear takes turn for the bizarre.
Guy #1: This rice cake tastes like shit, I’d rather eat this fuckin’ hat.
Guy #2: Then you’d have to get a new hat!
Guy #1: Yeah, I been thinkin’ about it anyway, thinkin’ bout gettin me one of them NASCAR hats.
Guy #3: You probably get a NASCAR hat that was pink with a rainbow on it.
Guy #1: Yup, if it says NASCAR I don’t give a shit, makes me stand out!
Guy #3: Look at you, eatin’ rice cakes, wearin’ gay shit, you probably turnin in to one of these (makes a wrist flipping gesture).
Guy #1: I’m eatin’ rice cakes cause I gotta lower my cholesterol so when you die from a heart attack I can get with your ol’ lady.
Guy #3: Shit… You ain’t gettin’ with shit with that pencil prick of yours, ‘specially when she got the man with the plan.
Guy #1: We’ll see, buddy. (buddy is an escalation word around here - Justin)
Guy #3: Yeah, we will see, you wanna see right now you can come into the bathroom with me I need help holdin’ this up, bring your rice cake and I’ll give it some flavor.
Guy #1: Only thing I’ll be holdin’ up is your ol’ lady’s pussy lips, that’s all the flavor I’m gonna need!

Then Guy #1 and #2 start laughing, Guy #3 shakes his head kind of angrily and walks into the bathroom

Today we learn about choice in beverage.
Guy #1: Ain’t that cereal good?
Guy #2: Yeah, I like it!
Guy #1: You should try it with milk.
Guy #2: I can’t, I’m lactose intolerable. (Yes, he said intolerable. - Justin)
Guy #1: Well that sucks, you drink that soy milk?
Guy #2: Naw, I don’t think it tastes good.
Guy #1: What about rice milk?
Guy #2: Naw, she’d never let me.
Guy #1: She drinks rice milk?
Guy #2: Aw, naw, I thought you said wife’s milk!
Guy #1: Hell no, that’s nasty shit.
Guy #2: If I could I’d try it, why not?
Guy #3: Naw, you can’t drink that shit, it ain’t good for ya.
Guy #2: But it is good for your kids, gotta be good for you!
Guy #3: Naw it has stuff in it based on what your wife eats.
Guy #1: SO IT’D TASTE LIKE DICK?
They all laugh.
Guy #1: Hey, would you do it? Drink breast milk?
Guy #4: Well, I tell ya, I wasn’t breastfed as a kid but I’d damn try it now as an adult!
Guy #1: That’s gross shit.
Guy #4: Nah, man, it’s a turn on, you gonna be close to you woman, I’d get real hard off it!
Guy #2: Well that’s weird, I’d just wanna do it to try it.
Guy #4: Not me, I’d do it to show her I’d tap a titty if it does something for her AND me, you know what I mean? Whatever gets my bat on the ball, buddy!
Then they all laugh again.

So, go “tap a titty” guys, it shows girls you’re really the man of their dreams.

Today we learn what the gun law changes will mean to regular, God fearing folk, which, of course means it devolves into complete and utter stupid insanity.
Guy #1: Let me tell you right now as soon as he takes our guns that is it, brother.
Guy #2: What is?
Guy #1: He takes ‘em and then right after they are gonna give us the mark.
Guy #3: Yep.
Guy #2: I dunno what you’re even talkin’ bout.
Guy #1: I’m tellin’ you, mark of the beast, man, they are gonna tattoo it on you and if you don’t take it they are gonna use your own gun and you’re gonna be fuckin’ dead, man.
Guy #2: I don’t think they will, we still got hand guns.
Guy #1: Won’t matter, they gonna take your rifle and use it to take your guns and our god away from us. You heard of that 144,000, that’s all gets to go to heaven from them people that gets the mark, also good virgin Jews and our brothers in Christ, then the rest of y’all will be down here. You ain’t seen Left Behind? It’ll tell you all about this!
Guy #2: That’s a movie, ain’t it?
Guy #1: Don’t matter, movies can be right, but I don’t think they told you enough. You know they are gonna use you as sex slaves and just kill you whenever they want then you’ll go to hell for being a sodomite!
Guy #2: Naw, that ain’t true, sides they’d wanna fuck my ol’ lady before my crusty ass.
Guy #3: They gonna have at both of you!
Guy #1: He’d probably like it, all the bananas he eats and shit, he must be gettin’ ready.
Guy #2: Heh heh, well I was a boyscout so I’m always prepared and the way my wife’s been goin’ to town on my schlong she must be gettin’ ready too.
Guy #1: That’s okay, I’ll be up on cloud 9 cleanin’ my harp watchin’ you get a big one up your shitty and I’ll laugh the whole time because you ain’t with the lord like I am, I know where I’ll be.
Guy #2: You would be the one who got to heaven and asked where the nearest place to watch two guys fuck is!

Everyone laughs and Guy #1 exits.

I have questions… What are good virgin Jews? Someone still says schlong? Also, I hope you guys aren’t bothering to read about what’s actually going on with gun laws, the only analysis you need is clearly from rednecks in the trucking industry.

Anonymous asked: This is amazing, and you're awesome, and I will probably waste my whole day reading this now. - Bridget Callahan

Thank you! I’ll try to keep them coming!

Today we learn that there are movies that none of us have seen but all of us want to see.
Two guys walk into my office:
Guy #1: That dumb bitch, I can’t believe she parked right in the middle of the lot, she blocked everyone’s car in!
Guy #2: Well she did get that new car so she probably don’t wanna mess it up.
Guy #1: So what, people get new cars all the time, it don’t mean they can’t park in a fucking space!
Guy #2: Oh come on, man, you don’t give a shit where she parks long as she parks that pussy on your chin!
Guy #1: Naw, fuck that, man.
Guy #2: What you mean? You know you’d fuck it, you got a tongue ring, I thought all you guys was dirty motherfuckers.
Guy #1: I ain’t that dirty. I bet Justin would lick it though.
Me: No thanks, I’m not really into post menopausal hippies.
Guy #2: Hahahahaha, don’t matter how old she is if the oil well ain’t dry! You know both y’all is liars, if she was naked in front of ya you’d do it!
Guy #1: Nope, NOPE! I wouldn’t fuck her with Justin’s dick if she has a tomato pussy. (starts laughing while we both look at him weird)
Me: A tomato pussy? What does that mean?
Guy #1: You know, like the movie? The guy pulls his pants down and the girl comes up and turns the lights off and he thinks he is fuckin’ her but she actually has a tomato between her legs and he is fuckin’ that instead!
Me: I have no clue what you’re even talking about and I have seen a lot of movies!
Guy #2: Yeah, sounds like some fucked up porno that you and one of your ol’ ladies made.
Guy #1: Naw, it’s a movie, you can look it up! Besides, if it was me and one of my ol’ ladies she better put a fuckin’ watermelon down there, a tomato ain’t gonna fit this beast!

Then they both start laughing and leave, never actually explaining why they were in my office in the first place.

I was in the bathroom washing out my breakfast dish.
Guy #1: Hey man, my hands are cold, come hold this for me.
Guy #2: I’ll hold it with my mouth.
Guy #1: Heh, well you better get ready for some stains to be on your shirt!
Guy #2: I got enough stains on this shirt from fuckin’ yer ol’ lady!
Guy #1: Them ain’t stains, that’s grease from your fucked up hair!
Guy #2: Only cause your ol’ lady eats so much fried chicken and then puts her hands on my head when I’m down there lickin’! (starts making a weird gargling noise while pantomiming oral sex)
Guy #1: For greasy as your hair is you must be down there a long ass time, she’s probably clean as a goddamned whistle.
Guy #2: I’m down there for as long as it takes for her to put away that KFC Family bucket and give me a new hair style!

Then they both laugh and walk out without washing their hands.

What?

Today we find out that Christmas is a time for giving.
Guy #1: You got pink carharts?
Lady #1: Yup, Tanner got ‘em for me.
Guy #1: Where’d he get ‘em, pure romance?
Lady #1: Naw, if he did they’d have dildos all over them and he’s only 12 so he wouldn’t know what that place was anyway.
Guy #2 (points down): Is that a battery?
Guy #3: Yeah, bzzzzzzzz, what’s that noise, you got a dildo in there right now?
Lady #1: You’d like that and if I was gonna go that far I’d come in with coveralls just made out of dildos, get me a nice massage while I’m eatin’!
Guy #1: I tell you what, you come over the next time me and Merty is in the basement and you can give me a massage while I’m eatin’!
(Everyone laughs)
Lady #1: I should give her a massage to thank her for marrying your ass and fucking you in a dingy old basement.
Guy #1: She likes it down there and anywhere else she can get on this ol’ stick and you know it!
Lady #1: How would I know? She’s the only one weird enough to fuck your greasy, old ass. The least you could do is do it under the Christmas tree as a present, give her a nice view of the nativity decoration and tell her, “at least you can see god this time!”
Everyone laughs.
Guy #1: Naw, she can’t see no other man while I’m doin’ it or she might think about them, I’d rather just keep her down in the dark before she falls in love with Santa Claus.

On a related note: Christmas has come early as I found a bunch of pictures from my work I hadn’t gotten to post when switching to my new phone, I’ll be posting them later today! Merry Christmas, don’t go falling in love with Santa Claus or you’ll get locked in the basement.

Today, I do not know what we learn, but… somethin’.

Guy #1: I’m thinkin’ about goin’ down to Danny’s this weekend.
Guy #2: Naw, you stay away from there now.
Guy #1: Why?
Guy #2: He don’t like you, he said he don’t like you, that’s why he works 3rd shift now.
Guy #1: Aww… come on, that’s bullshit, he’s still sore at me? I wondered why I ain’t seen him.
Guy #2: You can’t just go around grabbin’ on his wife at Home Depot and expect him not to get mad!
Guy #1: I told him I was sorry, I was just foolin’ around, me and her was jokin’!
Guy #2: Well, I dunno about that, he just said he don’t want you around him or his daughter or anything and he don’t wanna see you.
Guy #1: Well I don’t care, I’m gonna go over there and apologize to him.
Guy #2: NO, I TOLD YOU, DANNY SAID NOT TO GO OVER THERE SO STOP SAYIN’ THAT SHIT!
Guy #1: WELL I WANNA GO OVER AND SEE HIM AND DEBBIE AND SAY SORRY!
Guy #2: YOU GO OVER THERE AND HE’S GONNA PUT SOME SALT ON YOU AND CALL YOU POTATO CHIP!
Guy #1: Aww to hell with this, I’m gonna go over there anyway and grab on his ol’ lady again, he can shove a pretzel in my ass and call me Grippo for all I give a shit.

Then Guy #1 exits.

Grippo’s are a brand of local potato chip here. I do not know what any of that last part meant, I’m assuming that they have a bunch of sayings and shit like that and these are some of them and they mean something about fighting? I have no fucking clue and I am very confused but if anyone wants I’ll shove a pretzel in their ass and call them Grippo.