Today we see the greatest comedy act since Abbot and Costello come to an end as it is interrupted by the greatest joke of all time… Also, not as much sexual content as usual, so good for these guys.

Guy #1: What you eatin’?
Guy #2: General Chicken.
Guy #1: What?
Guy #2: General Chicken.
Guy #1: Like… that’s the name of the place?
Guy #2: Naw, man, General Chicken!
Guy #1: Well where is it from?
Guy #2: PF Changs
Guy #1: So they just serve chicken, like there ain’t a name for it, they’re just like ‘here’s some chicken’.
Guy #2: Naw, man, it’s General Chicken!
Guy #1: I know, that’s what I’m saying, it’s just some chicken, ain’t nothing special about it, just chicken in general.
Guy #2: Naw, look! (hands over the box)
Guy #1: Oh, it’s General Tso’s Chicken, I get it now.
Guy #2: Yeah, man, General Chicken, I dunno how you pronounce that other Oriental shit.
Guy #1: PF Changs sells food? I always thought they was like a martial arts place or sold like nunchuks and shit.
Guy #2: Hell yeah they sell food, it’s real good too!
Guy #1: Yeah, it smells like it, it’s probably expensive though.
Guy #2: What is?
Guy #1: PF Changs
Guy #2: Oh, I thought you meant the General Chicken.
Guy #1: No…
Guy #3 runs in (literally runs full speed and excitedly)
Guy #3: Man, I just heard the best joke!
Guy #1: Was your ol’ lady talkin’ about your dick again?
They all laugh.
Guy #3: Naw man, yours was, said it made yours look like a tic-tac.
Guy #1: Maybe a tic tac you buy at costco, motherfucker!
Guy #3: Anyway, what’d the two iPads say to the two iPods?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #3: Lets get together and have a 4G!
They all start laughing really boisterously and then I realized these guys just like to tell dirty versions of Bazooka Joe jokes.

Today you get two for the price of none because I pay all tolls with my depreciated mental state.

I walked in on the middle of this but stayed till the end because… Why not?
Guy #1: I told her she’s gotta stop sendin’ me pussy pics.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: Cause I don’t want my ol’ lady findin’ out and I don’t want my buddy findin’ out! She said I should come over and fuck her and she wouldn’t tell nobody!
Guy #2: What’d you say?
Guy #1: I said hell no, I ain’t no buddy fucker. I ain’t fuckin’ around with my buddy’s woman and she says she’s gonna show my ol’ lady the dick pic I sent her.
Guy #2: You sent her stuff? That’s how you gonna get in trouble.
Guy #1: Nope, I ain’t cause she was callin’ me a dick and I said I’d show her one and my buddy was standin’ right there when I did it so if he didn’t want his woman to see it he shoulda stopped me! So I told her to go ahead and show my ol’ lady, she seen it before!
Guy #2: Well why’d you say somethin’ happened this weekend?
Guy #1: Well, cause I went over there and I fucked her but now I got them messages saying I wouldn’t do that so if she says something I can deny it!
Guy #2 (laughing): Shit man, you just wrong.
Guy #1: Might be wrong but I still got me some of that spicy sauce taco so I can’t be too wrong about it!
Then they both laugh because fidelity clearly doesn’t mean anything when faced with spicy sauce taco… Or something.

Second tale from the breakroom:
Over the weekend a driver got angry and took a dump in the urinal and clogged it up, the terminal manager is angry with the drivers so he wouldn’t get anyone in to fix it so someone went up to the management bathroom and took a low growler in there, clogged the toilet and let it overflow so the water seaped down, built up and then broke the ceiling in the driver bathroom with piss and shit. So they call in a guy to clean up the mess and fix the toilets and this guy does that but then proceeds to open every door with the gloves we was wearing to clean up human waste. Seeing this I wipe down everything with lysol but then he walks back through with the same gloves, I am busy and forget and touch the knobs so… I probably have pinkeye and hepatitis and I have to drive to a gas station to use the bathroom for the time being. Great to be me!

Today we learn what the price of a man is.
Guy #1: Well it looks like my mom is gettin’ a kidney!
Guy #2: Good for you guys, man! Where’s it comin’ from?
Guy #1: San Diego.
Guy #3: Maybe she’ll get a gay kidney!
Everyone laughs.
Guy #1: I don’t care man, long as it works!
Guy #2: You’d take a gay kidney? I’d be worried.
Guy #1: It’s a kidney. I’d take a gay dick if mine didn’t work. It’s all about how you use it!
Guy #2: I ain’t takin’ no gay nothin’, not even if you paid me!
Guy #3: Yeah right, you’d suck the dick skin off an Arab boy for 20 bucks.
Guy #2: Nope, I’d take that 20 bucks and wipe my ass with it and put it in his face so he could smell what he was missin’!
Guy #3: How about 10 million bucks, tax free?
Guy #2: Nope, I don’t never do nothin’ against the lord and you know it.
Guy #1: Shit, for 10 million bucks I’d do it, I’d oil up my ol’ ladies sister and chase her through a kiddie pool of moonshine while he rode on my back if that’s what he wanted!
Guy #3: I lubed up your ol’ ladies sister before but it wasn’t much of a chase goin’ just kept crossin’ that ol’ hairy finish line!
Everyone laughs.

I threw up.

Today we learn that I work in a place where nothing really makes a damn amount of sense.

Guy #1: How you doin’, buddy?
Guy #2: Eh, alright, need to go home and take a bath!
Guy #1: Yessir, I need to go home and hack some shit up, all that black stuff we breathe in in the morning.
Guy #2: It was worse when we had diesel tow motors.
Guy #1: Y’all had diesel motors?
Guy #2: Yup, you leave here lookin’ like a raccoon!
Guy #1 starts laughing so hard he had tears streaming down his face.
Guy #2: Just got white around your eyes and black everywhere else!
Guy #1: Just like a brother eatin’ out a Japanese woman.
Guy #2: Naw, then he’d be all yellow, like he ate a bag of mustard, that’s like the opposite of a raccoon!
Guy #1: Well, brothers don’t do that anyway, he’d just go and stick it right in there, pull his dick out and it’d be all covered!
Guy #2: Call him Tyrone Oscar Meyer!
Then they both laugh and laugh and laugh and I leave and leave and leave.

This one says “Rusty Porn” on the left and then on the right it says “I love my Rusty Bob”. I understand the joke, but these guys just really don’t like Rusty.

Today we learn that if you don’t know much about something you shouldn’t talk about it.
Guy #1: This guy sent me this card with this quote on it ‘When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.’ Now you guess who said that shit?
Guy #2: I dunno, Gandhi or Mother Theresa or somethin?
Guy #1: Naw, Helen Keller!
(Everyone laughs)
Guy #1: Now you tell me how that stupid motherfucker is gonna talk about doors? She ain’t never seen a goddamn door!
Guy #2 (laughing): That shit is hilarious, that’s like a lesbo trying to tell you what a dick is like!
(Everyone laughs)
Guy #1: Or like a baby trying to tell you about a zebra or some shit.
Guy #3: What’s that mean?
Guy #1: Cause a baby don’t know a goddamn thing!
Guy #2: Shit, you could be Helen Keller after saying that dumbass thing!
Guy #1: Fuck you, motherfuckers, I’m just sayin’ she shouldn’t be talkin’ about shit she don’t know!
Guy #2: NEITHER SHOULD YOU!
(Everyone laughs super hard this time)

Today we learn about celebrity crushes.
Guy #1: I was watchin’ them Transformers movies last night, them robots is crazy.
Guy #2: Yeah they are, I like them detrepti… whatever they are, the bad ones.
Guy #1: Deceptitrons? (Decepticons - Justin)
Guy #2: Yeah, man, they was cool.
Guy #1: Yeah, I just had a few beers and had a good ol’ time watchin’ them. I dunno why they switched that Megan Fox with that other girl in the last one, she wasn’t even as hot.
Guy #2: I know it, I know it, I mean, she is still good lookin’ but her lips make her look like she’s about to get on the floor and start sweepin’ up some crumbs.
Guy #1: I wouldn’t mind a little dirt devil from her!
Guy #2: Hell yeah, but I’d rather have Megan Fox, brother!
Guy #1: I tell ya what if she wanted to I’d lick her wherever it stinks!

Lick her wherever it stinks. I’m gonna go wash my brain out with soap now.

Today we find out many things about the miracle of birth and gun laws.
I walk into the breakroom to fill my water bottle.
Guy #1: We had one of them home births.
Guy #2: She had it in your bed?
Guy #1: Naw, we planned it, we had a kiddie pool out in the front room and just had like some candles and other stuff and the nurse lady came and got ‘er done.
Guy #3: That must be nice cause of them hospital bills, hell a kiddie pool probably only costs about 20 bucks, you got it made on this one!
Guy #1: Yeah, well, she reads all them hippie magazines and said this time she wanted to do it right so we went and did whatever she wanted but the nurse was like 10,000 bucks.
Guy #3: Goddamn, she better’ve been helpin’ in other ways that yer wife couldn’t since she’s pregnant if you know what I mean! (there is no person on Earth who doesn’t know what you mean, sir. - Justin)
Guy #1: I wish, she was hot! But no, she just got her comfortable and shit, and my wife was complaining the day before that it hurt and she didn’t wanna do it and wanted to go to the hospital and I was like bullshit, I paid 10 G’s for this shit so you’re gonna do it here, you better get them ol’ horselips ready to spit!
Other guys laugh
Guy #1: So we go to do it and I guess part of it is including the family so we had the other two little girls come out and take pictures with their mom while she was in labor.
Guy #2: That’s weird, why would they wanna see that?
Guy #1: Well, they are bout 5 now and they seen the dog have puppies so I think they’ll be alright. (starts laughing) Actually the dog had puppies in a kiddie pool, too, so they probably thought their mom was having puppies the way the dog was barkin’!
Guy #2: They ain’t see no puppies come out of there though!
Guy #1: Naw, just their little sister, but that dog almost didn’t see it happen, it was barkin’ so much thought I might shoot it!
Guy #3: Hell, you can’t shoot no dog, even if it’s a sick one.
Guy #1: Yup, you better off shooting a white woman than a dog nowadays.

Everyone kind of agreed and then the guy started showing off pictures of his new baby and I left because everything made my head swim.